An Exit Path Off the Human Experience
Why do we insist people with deep mental struggles continue to live?
This post discusses suicide, mental health struggles, and contemplating what a graceful exit through this human life may look like.
I received word that a sweet friend in our circle took her life just days before Christmas. Many of us knew she struggled with depression and anxiety. It wasn't a secret. She was 47 years old. Married. Just got a puppy. I had seen her just a few weeks prior with her husband and puppy at my holiday event, but I was in a hurry and just gave her a quick hug and chatted for a few minutes.
She seemingly did all the 'right' things; sought out medication, out-patient treatment, therapy, talked to people about her struggles, had a very supportive partner. And yet. And yet.
What I am about to say next may be controversial, but I wish there were a 'allowable' exit ramp out of this life. If someone's life is so deeply dark and painful, why should we try to force them to stay?
If someone doesn't want to be on this planet - can we force them to stay? And on the other end, there are people that should have died by all medical reasoning (someone who was in a bad car accident etc), and yet they are here.
We allow a pathway to death for people who have a terminal illness, and have a medically allowable diagnosis. If the doctors say that there isn't anything else that can be done; the blood counts aren't looking good, the cancer has progressed, the tumor has gotten bigger. The patient can choose not to pursue further chemo or treatment and is guided to hospice and is given a death plan, the ability to make choices about their end of life, a somewhat more dignified end, drugs to help manage pain, and surrounded by people of their choosing.
But somehow, when it comes to mental health, where we have less measurable metrics to track on a chart, there is way less acceptance of someone's struggle. Somehow, someone just saying, 'I don't want to be here anymore. Please give me a peaceful way out', doesn't seem like a satisfactory reason to support them in whatever they may choose. Our technology currently doesn't have a great way to measure dopamine and serotonin levels and whatever other juices reside in our brain and body that create the mix that can make life an experience worth going through.
If someone has given it all they feel they can. If they have been in therapy for decades, if they simply don't want to be here anymore despite EVERYTHING they have tried to do, why do we try to convince them to stay?
What is the obsession with living? Yes, there is a very strong biological drive to live. But for some of the people who know who have deep struggles with depression - why force them to continue living? For our sake?
Is it bad because of future karma? Or because if you take your life you aren't paying into a capitalistic society and consuming more things? Or because as humans we believe we are 'supposed' to live? Or because we needed humans to populate the earth? Or because we have already put in resources to bring that human into life, through gestation, the early years of life, and into adulthood?
Is suicide a by-product of our isolated lives? How common was suicide for our ancestors when we lived in tribal communities?
What pains me the most is that the person who chose to end their life usually left alone, with no-one by their side. Often violently. In a space of despair. Not to mention their loved ones, who are left traumatized and with so many questions.
It's not to say we wouldn't be devastatingly sad if someone we knew and loved choose to leave, but at least they would be able to say their goodbye's, by choice, (and I think the 'by choice' is the critical piece here), and there wouldn't be the question of 'What happened?' for the friends and family who are left without them (or maybe some sense of relief for all involved).
I have a close friend who has struggled with a deep, dark depression for over a decade now. I know death would come as a relief to him at this point. But because he doesn't have a terminal illness, and an 'allowable' way out, (and hasn't chosen to take his life), he struggles and limps along in this life, until he doesn't. I wonder what my responsibility is to him? Am I supposed to try to shove in him a car, and force him to check into a facility?
And I am know I am not the only person with someone close to me who struggles with mental health.
This post doesn't absolve us from supporting and helping people when we are able to (obviously). I am hoping these questions can begin to loosen this very tight 'thought-knot' we have around suffering, living an enriched life and the end of life.
I know there are tons more questions in this post than answers. But, I think until we even start asking these questions and having conversations around end of life options, we aren't going to be to offer those who are suffering some alternatives to living.
What are your thoughts? Should some version of euthanasia be more socially acceptable? What do you see as your role in supporting people in your community who struggle with mental health? Maybe you, yourself do.
Please share your thoughts in the comments.
As we end the year, I send the following wishes out to those struggling with mental illness:
May you be well.
May you live with ease.
May you be healthy.
May you be free of suffering.
Some articles I pulled from for this writing:
Wikipedia - religious views on suicide
Pew Research: Religious Views on End of Life Issues
Wikipedia: History of Suicide
Military Suicide - soldiers killing themselves when captured by the other party to avoid torture, mutilation, etc
Social Protest - slave suicides, Buddhist monks in the 1960's, and the Cultural Revolution in China are some examples noted in the article.